The Liturgy of Online Dating
The rules go like this:
- Send her a message.
- If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get one back.
- Send another.
- If she’s into you, she sends one back.
- Ask her out. Get her phone number.
- Call her. Screen her for craziness. Then really ask her out.
- Go out.
- Be yourself. I know, harder than it looks.
- Make copious eye contact. Keep up the conversation.
- Pick up the check.
It’s a system, and it’s easy, but your main hurdles are (2) and (4). Rarely do you have a problem at (5). At (8), it’s tough to be honest and impress. That’s all you, buddy. At (10) you must let her offer to pick up the check, though if you don’t pick it up, you’ll be seriously reconsidered.
It’s a formula. A ritual. A liturgy. If you believe in it you’re undoubtedly a process weeny — but if you stray from it you end up taking big risks.
This leaves some decisions in your court. First, at (6) you need to know where to go, or poll her for things she’s interested in and think on your feet. Keep your budget in mind. At (7), you probably want to end up going to two places, especially if you live in a city and each place is within walking distance. Note: You may not always want to tell her about the second place. It’ll make you feel like you’ve gone somewhere together. At (8) and (9), focus on her and ask her plenty of questions. Expect to relate to her when she asks you a question. (10), of course, has already been discussed.
Though it’s not listed, there’s a mysterious number (11): You’ll need to kiss this girl. Sometimes it’s great on the first date. Sometimes it’s not. Feel it out.
So why do I bring all this up? It’s not to get in her pants, no, though you can use your powers for good or for evil. It’s that I completely rebel against it. Maybe I don’t like routine. Maybe I just want a little variety. Really though, I think the girls I’m truly attracted to are defined by their spontaneity; how confident we are together, and how much our connection holds when we digress from the power of social ritual.
And I like to digress quickly. I’m unsure why, but formulaic meetings take all the interesting parts away. It’s tragic, because you can be judged on your adherence to social ritual. I know — “you’re a good guy, she’s a good girl.” Too bad she didn’t trip into you.
But really I think that’s it. Most will go through the motions and jump through the hoops, and in the end will be good performers. But it’s those that take you by surprise that you really choose to keep.
Which I guess means…
Hence the ritual.
[...] brings me to my most recent post, the topic I had originally intended to address. That’s my most provocative post to date. [...]
[...] a tip of the hat to those who gave me much appreciated feedback — I’ve learned from a previous post about dating that I need to state my conclusions more clearly. Here, I intend to be clear. Resisting another [...]
Wow! Great post! I had no idea that on-line dating was that simple! Maybe I’ll try it now.
I hear you on the problems of adhering to a social ritual. I feel like my whole life I’ve been at war with social ritual (I don’t really get them) so knowing that there is a formula is both encouraging (“Oh, THAT’s how you do it!”) and discouraging (“What a disappointment.”)
Maybe there is a way to signal for unconventional expectations within one’s dating profile?
Hey, thanks.
Well that’s just it. Social ritual is comforting — it keeps expectations in line, and keeps people from becoming over anxious about meeting someone new when their anxiety is already pretty high. But you need to find someone that fits you. We’re all individual in different ways, and we’re all going to stray, in some respects, away from what society asks of us. And for personal relationships, this is okay.
But I’ve learned a lot since writing this post. The first is that it has been misinterpreted by many girls, especially those that want to date me. Girls don’t want to be just another cog in a wheel, or a means to an end. They think that by posting a common pattern I’ve seen recur in my dating life, they’re now fated to be a part of it. They think the date isn’t about them anymore, but simply a common structure in which I could use them in some way. And this wasn’t my intention. Instead, this post was simply an account of my foray into the dating world, and what I learned from it. Though this could be misused, I think it can be a genuine, positive structure with which inexperienced and nervous guys can put themselves out there.
But that leads to the second point, which is in conjunction with the conclusion. If you completely adhere to social ritual, or some kind of game, you prevent yourself from making a true, real connection with anyone. Again, the social ritual sets us up to make this connection, but at some point we have to remove ourselves from the ritual and digress (progress?) into real life. Maybe we’ll call this the “second date”; maybe we’ll call it the period in time where you can call that person up without having to worry if it’s okay. This is the real reason we date. At least, if you’re a genuine guy looking to have genuine relationships with genuine people.
To put it all differently, many people say to “just be confident, and be yourself.” I’ve recently come to the conclusion that confidence comes with experience, and to be yourself in the face of anxiety, you need confidence. So if you have no idea about the dating scene, this is one place to start. And by all means, get started!
But to answer your question: Start dating, get a sense of your likes and dislikes, and then be open and up front to the person you’re dating. If you don’t like conventional dinner dates, for instance, say, “Hey, I don’t like conventional dinner dates. Let’s go out and do something totally wild!” I guarantee you that if you’ve really hooked a girl who’s a good fit for you, it will be absolutely no problem.
Oh, and one last piece: This post is likely mistitled. Though the first four steps refer to online dating specifically, this is likely about the New York dating scene in general.
I just saw this video and it reminded me of this post in a way. Don’t worry, I’m not saying your tone is *at all* the same, but there definitely is a parallel or two to be drawn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs
Enjoy!
Wow Ben. That was awesome.