The rules go like this:

1. Send her a message.
2. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get one back.
3. Send another.
4. If she’s into you, she sends one back.
5. Ask her out. Get her phone number.
6. Call her. Screen her for craziness. Then really ask her out.
7. Go out.
8. Be yourself. I know, harder than it looks.
9. Make copious eye contact. Keep up the conversation.
10. Pick up the check.

It’s a system, and it’s easy, but your main hurdles are (2) and (4). Rarely do you have a problem at (5). At (8), it’s tough to be honest and impress. That’s all you, buddy. At (10) you must let her offer to pick up the check, though if you don’t pick it up, you’ll be seriously reconsidered.

It’s a formula. A ritual. A liturgy. If you believe in it you’re undoubtedly a process weeny — but if you stray from it you end up taking big risks.

This leaves some decisions in your court. First, at (6) you need to know where to go, or poll her for things she’s interested in and think on your feet. Keep your budget in mind. At (7), you probably want to end up going to two places, especially if you live in a city and each place is within walking distance. Note: You may not always want to tell her about the second place. It’ll make you feel like you’ve gone somewhere together. At (8) and (9), focus on her and ask her plenty of questions. Expect to relate to her when she asks you a question. (10), of course, has already been discussed.

Though it’s not listed, there’s a mysterious number (11): You’ll need to kiss this girl. Sometimes it’s great on the first date. Sometimes it’s not. Feel it out.

So why do I bring all this up? It’s not to get in her pants, no, though you can use your powers for good or for evil. It’s that I completely rebel against it. Maybe I don’t like routine. Maybe I just want a little variety. Really though, I think the girls I’m truly attracted to are defined by their spontaneity; how confident we are together, and how much our connection holds when we digress from the power of social ritual.

And I like to digress quickly. I’m unsure why, but formulaic meetings take all the interesting parts away. It’s tragic, because you can be judged on your adherence to social ritual. I know — “you’re a good guy, she’s a good girl.” Too bad she didn’t trip into you.

But really I think that’s it. Most will go through the motions and jump through the hoops, and in the end will be good performers. But it’s those that take you by surprise that you really choose to keep.

Which I guess means…

Hence the ritual.